A Therapist’s Experience with Therapy

When I started my own healing journey through therapy, I did not know what to expect. I began therapy for the grief I was feeling over a loved one who passed. I was not expecting to get into my childhood trauma, learn about attachment to my caregivers, or identify unhelpful coping skills I was using. I figured I would get a step-by-step guide on how to get through grief. My motive was simply to attend a few sessions, figure out how to move through the grief, and then get on with my life. What happened through that journey was not what I expected, but it turned out to be more beneficial than I could have imagined.

I was in school to become a therapist, and it is always suggested that if you are training to become a therapist, you should have the experience of therapy yourself. So, when the grief of losing a loved one began to interfere with my day-to-day life, it seemed like the right time to try. Someone recommended a clinician to me, but when I called to schedule with her, I learned she was not accepting new clients. She did inform me, however, that she had a new intern that she supervised closely and suggested I give her a try. At first, I thought, “No thanks, I want someone with more experience.” Then I remembered that I was going to be an intern someday soon myself, so who am I to turn my nose up at someone else just starting out? Choosing to meet with that intern was the best decision I ever made for my mental health.

Her name was Jessica, and she looked young but had a friendly and welcoming presence to her. Our first few sessions were assessment-based and a little awkward. She was still recording her sessions to review with her supervisor to receive feedback on her approach. It felt a bit strange at first, but after a few sessions, I would forget that we were being recorded at all. Jessica asked me so many questions about my early childhood and how I felt about each person in my nuclear family. She asked about potential traumatic events I experienced as a child. She wanted to know what my personal relationships looked like both in the past and present. And then we began to focus on the relationship with the loved one I had lost a few months earlier. He was someone with whom I had an intimate relationship, but it had ended a few weeks before he died. We began to peel back the layers of that two-year relationship, and slowly I began to realize there was a lot of dysfunction between us. To be honest, I knew things weren’t going well, which is why the relationship ended. Nevertheless, Jessica began helping me make connections to things that happened in my childhood that may have contributed to how I behaved in that relationship. She highlighted instances that contained similar dysfunction to those that I experienced in my earlier life with my parents. She validated and held space for the pain I was feeling. She helped me understand that grief is not a linear process and there is no finish line. She taught me skills to manage the struggles I was having in my day-to-day life. She was one of the first people I let into my life to see everything as it really was and not how I wanted people to perceive it. She helped me to feel less alone and more understood. She was my partner in laying a foundation upon which I would begin to build a more secure and fulfilling life.

I met with Jessica every week for a long time. We uncovered so much together. We built a relationship that was boundaried and based on openness and trust. Around a year and a half in, she suggested I had done a lot of work, and it may be time to pause therapy and go live life a little to apply the things I had learned in our sessions. She was clear that I could come back whenever I wanted; while I was a little skeptical, I trusted her judgment and did just that.

After about six months I was in a new relationship, and while things were going well, I realized some of my childhood stuff was starting to come up again. So I went back. We would get that set of problems sorted out and then I’d take a therapy break again. This pattern went on for a couple more years. My therapeutic relationship with Jessica lasted about 5 years total, on and off. She seemed to always have a spot for me when I needed it the most. She was my support when I got married and started blending a family. She was there for me when my sister died and then when my father died. It’s a bit poetic now, thinking about how we started with grief and ended with grief.

One of the most remarkable experiences with Jessica was watching her grow and evolve as a therapist at the same time I was growing and evolving. Every time I would return for another round of sessions, she had gone through another training, which allowed her to take me deeper into my healing. Our therapeutic relationship is one of the most near and dear to my heart. It was more transformative than anything I have ever experienced. I will be forever grateful for the kindness and care she showed me.

And to think, for a moment I felt like I needed someone “more experienced.” I am so happy I waited for that second thought to come before I tried looking for someone else.